


no "tab a into slot b" thanks

by saintsurvivor



Series: guinevere verse [1]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Alcohol, Aromantic Asexual Eggsy, Aromantic Character, Aromantic Eggsy, Asexual Character, Asexual Eggsy, Eggsy as Guinevere, Gen, Genderfluid Character, Harry Hart Is A Bit Of A Dick, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Roxy, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Swearing, Victoria Winslow is Arthur, eggsy is fed up of ppl thinking he wants to fuck harry, eggsys relationship with sex is meh tbh, sex repulsed character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-15
Updated: 2015-08-15
Packaged: 2018-04-14 20:49:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4579545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saintsurvivor/pseuds/saintsurvivor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Look, 'Arry is well fit but I don't wanna fuck the bloke or sumthing,"</p><p>"Eggsy, you look at him like you want to eat him alive,"</p><p>"'E's nice to look at!" Eggsy says defensively, clutching his paperwork to his chest. "I just don't like 'im - or anybody - that way, romantically or sexually,"</p><p>or,<br/>in which eggsy is kind of annoyed at how everyone thinks he wants to bang harry</p>
            </blockquote>





	no "tab a into slot b" thanks

#  **no "tab a into slot b" thanks**

 

Looking back, Eggsy can kinda see how people had the thought that Eggsy might want to fuck Harry until them both are sore and can’t move for days. Yeah, Harry is _well fit_ , especially for an older bloke, but then Harry opens his mouth and all that comes out is _pure bullshit_.

Long story short, in the first ten minutes when Eggsy gets out of Holbourn Police Station, Eggsy can tell that Harry Hart is a complete utter knob and Eggsy promises himself to stay well fucking clear of the shitwreck that is actually Harry beneath his thin veneer of a gentleman.

Eggsy just wishes people wouldn’t think he’d like nothing better than to get on his knees for Harry when the exact opposite couldn’t be more truer.

\--

Charlie is a prick and Eggsy doesn’t quite know how he puts up with the bastard. His only saving grace is that he’s a good target when it comes to scathing comebacks because though Charlie is a prick, he’s a smart prick and he can say some barbs that should leave Eggsy in the dirt and bleeding but just make him laugh.

It’s kinda fun, Eggsy thinks, and if Charlie was less of a prick to Roxy, maybe they could’ve been proper friends.

“Look,” Charlie says, damp hair curling into his eyes as he leans onto his elbows. He’s seated on Eggsy’s bed who is lounging next to Roxy’s on her own, done for the day after a long hard day of training. “It’s obvious that you’re a poof, Eggy, nothing to be ashamed off,”

“You’re gonna be ashamed in a minute when I stick my foot in your mouth,” Roxy says, pulling back a little from where she’s painting Eggsys fingernails with nail polish she nicked from Morgan, the Head of Merlin’s thinktank whose taken a liking to both Eggsy and Roxy.

It’s an aces shade of bubblegum blue, Eggsy thinks. He might have to sneak down and raid Morgan’s cosmetic stash.

(Eggsy just wants to try that sick laser lipstick they was whispering to him and Roxy about yesterday when Merlin wasn’t paying attention.)

“I don’t think you can quite reach that high Roxy,” Charlie smirks, and his face twists. Something in Eggsy curls up and _dies_ if Charlie was to become Lancelot. He’d look terrible in a bespoke suit.

“You’ve sunk low enough for me to reach,” Roxy says, and she throws a nail file at the prick, who dodges it laughingly.

 “But we all know Eggy’s fucking _gagging_ for it from his sponsor,” Charlie insists, and Eggsy vaguely thinks that if Charlie leans just a bit closer he and Roxy can ambush the prick and tie him to the underside of the bed and leave him there for the night.

He’d have to wait for his nails to dry though, the colour _is_ sick as fuck.

“Oh fuck you, Chaz,” Eggsy groans, rolling his eyes and making sure to keep his hands steady because _of course_ Charlie would go for this, it’s only been like the _sixth_ time he’s said it.

“We’ve all seen how you look at the bloke, Eggy, he probably wants to fuck you too,”

(Okay, so officially, they aren’t _supposed_ to talk about who sponsored them nor actually see them during training, but that went out the window when Percival walked straight up to Roxy and hugged her with a whisper of how proud he was of her. Apparently Julian is her Uncle, who knew? Eggsy, that’s for fucking sure.

Julian is kinda awesome, Eggsy knows, because he looks all uptight and posh as shit, but he and Eggsy share a combined love of explosions and terrifying violence. He’s still trying to get Julian into giving him sniper tips because he’d been slated for sniper duty in the Marines if the intel or weapons development depo hadn’t picked him up first before he left.

(Nothing, however, is more terrifying then seeing Roxy and Julian locked in a prank war that spanned the best part of a month, cultivating in Julian losing his eyebrows from Roxy shaving them off when he was asleep, his hand being dyed neon green for a day and Roxy being forever known as the Supreme Lady of Kingsman and Chickens, utterly terrorizing the staff and other agents at Kingsman.

Eggsy still isn’t quite sure about the Chickens. He thinks he doesn’t want to know.)

Later, Julian quietly tells him that James was the best out of all of them. He’s also told that James would have loved Eggsy, if only because they have the same sense of humour and the same opinion of Harry; in the way that he was a complete and utter dick.)

So it’s no surprise when Charlie busts out what he thinks is the big guns and talks about how Harry probably wants to spread Eggsy over his desk and fuck his brains out.

Just the thought makes Eggsy want to curl up in disgust to be honest.

His relationship with sex is pretty fucking _meh_ , most days he can be completely fine, some days he’s indifferent and then he has days where sex is just completely off the table and just the thought of it makes him wants his balls to shrivel back into his body from sheer disgust.

That, incidentally, is also how Eggsy finds out how a lot of people think Eggsy is gagging for his sponsor and how Eggsy is not even remotely attracted _whatsoever_ to the man called Harry Hart.

(He’s not attracted to anyone, romantically or sexually, maybe he should just wear a plaque around his neck that says “ _no romance, no sex pls_ ” or maybe “ _there will be no ‘tab a’ into ‘slot b’”_ , that’d certainly scandalize poor old Arthur.)

“I ain’t gaggin’ for anything Chaz,” Eggsy says instead of blurting that thought out. He looks at his dried nails and waggles his toes at Roxy. “Wanna do my toes next, then I’ll do yours?”

“You’re on!” She says, delighted.

Charlie gives them a look and then slowly slips from Eggsy’s bunk to pick his own shade of nail polish and waits for Eggsy to slump his feet into Roxy’s lap before Eggsy turns to do Charlies fingernails.

Saying Eggsy wants to fuck Harry aside, guys pretty cool sometimes, Eggsy thinks.

\--

“You’re a fuckin’ idiot,” Eggsy says to Harry, who looks immaculate even though he’s only dressed in med scrubs, with his stupid red robe and his stupid Kingsman slipper – _honestly Harry, the fuck is up with them?_

“You say such sweet things, Eggsy,” Harry says drolly.

Merlin looks far too enthused that Eggsy just said such a thing and that he did it to _Harry’s face_.

“Cuz it’s true,” He says, and then claps Harry on the shoulder because the guy might be a dick but Eggsy kinda likes him in a way. “Glad yer didn’t pop yer clogs though, Hazza,”

“You are never to call me that again,” Harry says immediately, and Eggsy delights in the look of mortified _horror_ that spreads over Harry’s face.

“ _Hazza_ ,” Merlin wheezes from behind his clipboard. “ _Hazza_ ,”

“Whateva you say,” Eggsy says, tugging lightly on JB’s leash. “ _Hazza_ ,”

“ _I should have left you in the fucking police station to rot, you prick_ ,” Harry hollers after him.

Just before the door closes, Eggsy can hear Merlin fucking losing it.

\--

(“I’m keeping him,” Merlin crows. “I don’t even care, I’m keeping him,”

“You can’t keep recruits,” Harry says, longsuffering. He goes through this _every_ time.

“ _Watch me_ ,” Merlin says. He turns on his heel, and tosses, “Bye, _Hazza_ ,”

He high fives Eggsy with extreme prejudice when he goes to the recruit barracks.)

\--

Then of course, things goes tits up, because Eggsy doesn’t shoot his dog, _Roxy does_ , Eggsy feels the deepest urge to bury Dean ten feet under the dirt after he’s pissed on it and to spoil both his mum and his lil flowa. He goes to beat Deans ugly face in and then fucking _Harry_ goes and ruins it.

It goes downhill from there.

Harry goes on and on and Eggsy has to fight the urge to fucking punch him in his smug mug because _holy shit_.

“Do you even listen to half’a the bullshit that comes outta yer mouth?” He demands of Harry when Harry says that he’s only ever tried to repay Eggsys father and his sacrifice _that has nothing to do with Eggsy what so fucking ever_.

Also, who the _fuck_ stuffs their dead dog?

(Eggsy is fucking washing his hand of this shit.)

Then Harry gets shot in the head in fucking Kentucky, Eggsy ends up poisoning Arthur who was a traitor – wow, big shocker there – and stabs him the neck and tries to feel like he didn’t just get the _biggest_ thrill from that and then life goes on because that what they do when a chav ends up in a bespoke suit fighting a chick with swords for legs and sick as fuck moves to fucking _Give It Up Baby_ and then gets the best smooch from a princess _ever_.

 _Take that Roxy Morton,_ Eggsy crows and then has to spend the next three and half hours trying to throw himself out of the plane when Tilde hitches a ride with them so they can drop her off in Sweden where she is next in line and she and Roxy ends up being _the best of friends_.

He’d say _gal pals_ but he knows how hard Roxy hits.

He ends up with Merlin in the cockpit as Merlin sends him unsympathetic looks.

\--

Later, when Roxy is Lancelot and Eggsy is, for some strange reason, Guinevere, Eggsy takes everything good and brilliant he has ever said about Roxy and transfers his love for her onto the nearest inanimate object in the nearest vicinity.

It just so happens to be Barkimedes, Eggsy’s Venus Fly Trap, in his office.

(Yeah, don’t ask, it was a gift from Merlin. Eggsy _loves_ it.)

“You are a _terrible, terrible person_ ,” Eggsy moans into his stack of paperwork, two cans of cheap beer between him and Roxy as Barkimedes sways peacefully in its decorative pot.

“I’m a _wonderful_ person, thanks so much,” Roxy says, knocking the toe of her oxford against Eggsy’s head and he wails into his paperwork some more because Roxy is, in fact, a terrible terrible person.

“I don’t know why I’m friends with you,” He says, lifting his head to take a long pull from his Carling, pulling a face at the bitter taste.

“Because of my sparkling personality and ferocious wit,” Roxy says promptly, smoothing a hand proudly down the sleek lines of her bespoke blazer. Eggsy very carefully doesn’t think of the large hickies he can see decorating her throat from Her Majesty Tilde, who is in London for international obligations and to get her royal rocks off with her spy girlfriend.

(It’s all very Mills & Boons, Eggsy delights in telling Merlin when he’s down in control.

Merlin tells him to shut his trap, but that doesn’t stop them from watching tearfully as Roxy says a sad goodbye to Tilde, with a soft lingering kiss and a promise to be over in Sweden in a few weeks.

Roxy had paid with shit missions and ribbing from the agents to make sure she could have a three week holiday to visit Tilde. Eggsy’s happy for her, she deserves it.

Doesn’t stop him from taking the piss outta her though.)

“To be honest, though, Eggs,” Roxy says around her mouthful of Carling. “It does kinda look like you wanna fuck the bloke,”

Eggsy slowly melts into his seat and tries not to feel like throwing himself from the highest window and making sure that people know Roxy is the one that is at fault and she also has to be the one to scrape up his splattered remains.

“You are a very morbid person,” Roxy points out, fascinated, as if she hadn’t already figured that out before because it seems Eggsy said that outloud.

“Rox, luv, everyone in this fucking business is morbid, we’re fucking serial killers by right,” Eggsy points out as he tries to drown himself in paperwork and Carling. It doesn’t work and he’s stuck listening to Roxy.

Fuck, he loves Roxy, but _holy Christ_.

“But still, with this Hazza shite,” Roxy says and Eggsy snorts a little because the name he’d called Harry has taken hold and everyone constantly says it to Galahads face; he grumbles about how no one is scared of him anymore and it’s Eggsy’s fault. Eggsy is very proud of that.

“Look,” Eggsy says, a little sharp. He gathers a stack of paperwork that he needs to take to Merlin and will then use as an excuse to see Morgan about the pair of high heel Oxfords that they were making for him. “Yeah, ‘Arry is be well fit, but I don’t wanna fuck the bloke or nuthin’,”

“Eggs, you sometimes look at him like you wanna eat him alive,”

“Because he’s a prick!” Eggsy cries out, and wonders how many times he’ll have to deny having emotions for Harry fucking Hart.

Roxy raises her eyebrows.

“E’s nice to look at,” Eggsy says defensively, clutching his paperwork to his chest. “I just don’t like ‘im thatta way, or anybody eivver romantically or sexually,”

“Oh,” Roxy says. “ _Oh!”_

Her face goes very sheepish, and apologetic.

“I’m sorry,” She says, swinging her legs from the desk, almost upsetting Barkimedes. She holds the door open for Eggsy and he takes the apology as it is.

“I know,” He says, both of them falling into step with each other. “Just-just don’t do it again, yeah?” He knocks his hips against Roxys, his severe pencil skirt swaying slightly against his knees with the movement.

(He’s very grateful Kingsman figured out how to make bulletproof tights, it means he can wear his skirts and the occasional dress whenever.)

“Yeah,” She says and then; “Do your nails later?”

“Yeah,” Eggsy says because Roxy may not understand aromanticism or asexuality, but she understands _this_ , his disconnection from being called a _boy_ or a _man_ , though he stilled used his male pronouns, how he sometimes feels boxed in with his blocky suits, his dysphoria.

He’d sat her down once and explained it to her, how it was called genderfluid and she’d gone beyond his expectations in making sure she knew all about it as well as she could.

That’s because Roxy is totally awesome.

“Wanna come see the new shoes Morgans made me?” He asks her.

And that’s that.

\--

The shoes are _sick_ , by the way.

Eggsy wears them whenever he can.

\--

“You’re a fuckin’ prick,” Eggsy says to Harry when he rocks up to Kingsman HQ with a bandage around his head, a cane held in a shaking hand and a thorough dislike for guns.

“Still as charming as ever,” Harry says just as droll as before.

That is how Eggsy and the Kingsman find out Harry Hart is alive; he’s inducted back into Kingsman and his code name is taken from deactivation. It’s very anticlimactic.

That is also how Harry Hart gets stuck with a desk job as Arthur’s _assistant_.

Victoria Winslow, Eggsy delightedly thinks, may just be the best person in the entire world.

“Arthur, why do you put up with this nonsense?” Harry complains to her after a meeting about how Eggsy accidentally blew up a weapons factory with sixty three henchmen inside and yelled “PARKOUR” when he launched himself onto the helicopter with a flip.

Like Eggsy would _ever_ do that. Dangerous, that, Eggsy would _never_.

“I don’t,” Arthur says and she stares at him. Harry swallows and backs down and Eggsy stares at Victoria with stars in his eyes.

“ _Teach me everything_ ,” He begs.

“Oh, sweet Guinevere,” Victoria croons, patting his head.

That is also how Victoria “Arthur” Winslow and Eggsy “Guinevere” Unwin become the most terrifying heads of Kingsman, just before Roxy and Eggsy as the most terrifying duo of Kingsman.

Later, Roxy also joins and everyone gets the hell out of dodge because Victoria, Eggsy and Roxy are the _worst_.

“I should have been buried when I had the chance,” Harry says, horrified. Merlin laughs him straight out of Mission Control.

In the end, Kingsman dearly regrets ever recruiting Eggsy Unwin.

\--

His next mission is around the Tower of London and Eggsy is fucking _gagging_ for it, because holy shit, this is gonna be aces.

It is.

He gets to kill someone with a commerative Tower of London pen to the neck.

Literally wraps his thighs around the marks shoulders, leavers himself up on his shoulders and _pop_ , the pen is in his neck and Eggsy is crowing because holy shit that was _awesome._

Victoria just gives him this _look_ when he gets back after debrief and he sends her a cheeky grin, making sure his suit isn’t covered in blood as he grins at Arthur.

“You’re a menace, Guinevere,” She says fondly, painted nails folded over a golden pen and drowning in paperwork.

Harry makes a disapproving noise in the back of his throat over in the corner.

“Just doin’ my best, Arfur!” Eggsy salutes, spotting the chipping nail polish on his hands.

“Get gone, Gwennie,” Victoria laughs, shooing him out the room.

\--

He and Merlin are buddies, okay.

 _Buddies_.

So it surprises exactly no one when Eggsy bursts into Mission Control after making sure Merlin isn’t handling any missions, nail polish clutched tightly in his hand with take away hanging from his elbow and cheap  as chips alcohol in his other.

Merlin takes on look at him and lunges for the Cobra, using his teeth to unhook the top and spitting it out before taking a long gulp.

“ _A commerative tower of London pen_ ,” He wheezes out after, laughing and crying as he and Eggsy settle in the large space under the desk, Eggsys feet in Merlins lap.

“It was fun,” Eggsy insists, dragging the bottle from Merlin an taking a swig out of it.

“Eggsy,” Merlin says suddenly, leaning forward and cupping Eggsy’s face in his hand. “I’m gonna make you the best weapons you can think of, and you’re gonna die with excitement,”

“Best not let Rox hear you sayin’ that, luv,” Eggsy giggles, enjoying the feel of Merlin’s warm hands on his cheeks, nail polish clattering against the floor to sit amongst the empty cartons of Chinese.

Merlin waves a hand, almost hitting himself in the face. He’s a little tipsy, Eggsy thinks.

“She’s in Sweden with Tilde,” Merlin says and Eggsy nods.

“Yeah, Tilde sent me a text not to expect to ‘ear from Roxy for a few days,” And wasn’t _that_ wild, that not only was his best friend in a serious relationship with the Crown Queen of Sweden but _Eggsy had her phone number and they were friends_.

It blew his fucking mind.

“Eggsy, Eggsy, I love you, okay, I love you,” Merlin says. “No matter if yer asexual or aromantic, I love you no matter what, and nothing can change that,”

Eggsy looks at Merlin, looks at his wide eyes behind his glasses, looks at this tipsy man and smiles widely.

“Thanks, Aodhán,” He says, and he kisses Merlin gently on the cheeks.

\--

“I’m glad you’re ‘appy,” Michelle says one night over dinner.

Eggsy swallows his mouthful of mash and tries not to think of the tears that are trying to burn his eyelids.  He’s not crying, he swears, it’s just a brick in his eye. _Yeah right_.

“Me too, mum,” He says, looking at her, with her light eyes and bright smile, at how she looks so much lighter, so much _happier_ than Eggsy ever remembers her being. She’s away from Dean, off the drugs and booze he’d hooked her on, and Eggsy can see the Michelle he can barely from remember from when his dad was still alive breaking through the cracks that Dean made in her.

“Just be safe, yer hear me?” She says, mashing some broccoli in to her mash with her fork. She looks at him, wide eyed and sincere. “I know you ain’t no tailor, yer in the same business yer da was-,”

“ _Mum_ ,” he says, and his fork drops into the gravy with a clatter. 

He hopes she isn’t gonna say what he almost thinks she is, because he knows that if she asked, even gave the slightest thought, he’d stop. He’d pull out of Kingsman, would stop being _Guinevere_ , would distance himself from Roxy and Merlin and Victoria and Julian and Morgan, and whilst it would hurt like fuck, he _would_.

“I love yer,” She says, reaching across the table and he slips his hand in hers. “No matter w’at, okay? Just come back in one piece,”

“I can’t promise that,” Eggsy says thickly. “But I’ll try,” _For you, for Daisy_.

“That’s all I can ask for,” She smiles at him through her own tears.

Even know, crying with her mascara running, she’s the happiest he’s ever seen her.

 _He’s_ happy.

They both are.

\--

“Yer a bit of a tosser,” Eggsy says to Harry after.

“You too brat,”

“But you ain’t half bad when you get yer head outta yer arse,”


End file.
